An Open Letter to New Job Applicants, Explaining
What You’re Doing Wrong

Dear Applicant,

Thank you so much for your recent interest in joining our organization. Regretfully, we are unable to offer you the position at this time. As part of our screening process we like to provide feedback to our applicants, which we hope you will find helpful.

Here’s a fun fact, Corndog: Employers nowadays often utilize social media outlets to help screen their job candidates. By the way, we hope it’s okay if we call you Corndog, we noticed that’s what many of your online “friends” call you, and we just found it so whimsical. Anyway, Corndog, your online accounts proved to be quite fascinating. The Twitterverse is a magical place, is it not? You sure spend a lot of time there. We were so flattered to see that you even tweeted about your interview with our humble little company. That was, until we saw your reference to us as “boring losers” (#thatwashurtful). And here’s a friendly piece of advice about the photos you post out there in cyberspace: Once we have seen a picture of you passed out on a hammock wearing nothing but a sombrero and a pair of high heels, we can’t un-see that, Corndog.  Mexico is fun though, isn’t it? Good times.

In terms of your actual interactions with our recruiting staff, we have a few observations. First, you seemed to have no idea what we do here. Yes, we are indeed an engineering firm and we employ several engineers, but your repeated inquiries about where we keep the trains were, well, a bit off-the-mark. Second, we expect candidates to wear business attire. Consider investing in a suit, and a tie, and maybe an iron. And third, turn off your phone. Turn it all the way off. We don’t want to be startled by anything glowing and buzzing in your pocket; it’s not only distracting, but it also brings back bad memories of those Mexico pictures. You understand. Also, if you could avoid texting while you’re in the middle of a real conversation with a live person, that would be super.

Lastly, we found your demeanor to be a bit arrogant. You talked a lot about what you expected to get from us, but never touched on what you could offer in return. Regardless of what your parents may have told you, you are not the best at everything, and you are not entitled to this position. All those trophies displayed in their living room that say things like, “7th Place Champion,” are just a shrine of lies. If you came in 7th place, you were not the champion; that title is imaginary. It’s like claiming you have a unicorn ranch, it’s a ridiculous statement. Anyway, we have taken the liberty of putting together a little checklist for you for future interviews:

  • Make sure all correspondence such as resumes and cover letters are properly formatted, grammatically correct, organized, and accurate (ask a qualified friend to proofread everything if necessary)
  • Ensure your appearance is clean and neat, dress appropriately, be on time, give a firm handshake, and look people in the eye
  • Be polite and respectful to everyone you encounter, speak clearly and intelligently, never lie or make up answers, ask questions, and show interest
  • Clean up your public profiles by deleting all inappropriate online content
  • Prepare yourself for the interview by researching the company, think about how you might fit in, anticipate what questions they will ask, and how you might answer
  • Put your phone away, pay attention, and try to learn from the experience

Well, there’s not much more to say, Corndog. We’re sorry it didn’t work out, but if it makes you feel better, you were our 7th place champion.


The Boring Losers

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